Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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