Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
