4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
