Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
