I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
