I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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