My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
