Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
