I got chris browned last night
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
