I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
