Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
