I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
