my room smells like sperm. sweet.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
