I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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