It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
