I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
