i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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