Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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