He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
