I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
