i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
