May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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