i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
