I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
