No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
