I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
