Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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