I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
