So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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