worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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