just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
