her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize