The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
