My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
