I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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