yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
