so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
