So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
