Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
