Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
