I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
