she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
