nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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