I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
