Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
