The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
