im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
