remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
