so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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