Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
