I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
