Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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