wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
