I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Houston, we have a blender
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
