I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
