he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
