im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
