a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
