Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
