Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
