Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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