I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
