I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Too much gin, very little bucket
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
