Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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